We all want to do BIG things, make a BIG difference, change to world!
Everyone is not called to be on the BIG stage. Some of us are called to do the small things, make a small difference in one persons life. In some ways I think this is a greater calling than being on the worlds stage. Being a friend who can listen, like Jesus listens. Be a giver like Jesus was. Be that smile someone needs today. Be that shoulder to cry on. Be that person who rejoices in the happy times, and prays all the time. We all can have a servants heart, all we have to do is ask.
This week I've met 2 young men who have given their lives to the Lord, both are in their late twenties, both are Ministers. I've listened to them preach. I've seen that God is using them in a mighty way! I don't know if they see it, I sure hope they do. I don't know if they know they are making a difference, I sure hope they do. I don't know if they understand what a blessing they are, I sure hope they do! To know you have a calling on your life, at what seems to me such a young age, and to follow that calling is nothing short of amazing!
As I have listened to the word this week, I began to pray for them. I began to pray what is the calling on my life. My life seems so limited because of illness. What can I do Lord? What difference can I make? What is your divine purpose for my life? A servants heart, be an encourager. Is this really a calling from God? I pray it is!
I just pray that the Lord will use me right here, where I am. Jesus said I am the LIGHT of the world, I pray Lord let me reflect that LIGHT like a mirror, let people see you when they look at me.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Loss and a new normal
Where have the years gone?
I've been here trying to deal with loss, illness, depression, life. I started this Blog as a way of coping with the new normal that illness brings. We lost my husbands dad, a man who we all loved dearly, he was in his 80s so we could lean on the fact he had lived a long life and wasn't in pain anymore. We lost our son, not in death but to worldly demons that haunt me still, but I can lean on the fact he can change and come back to us one day. We lost my husband brother, he died at 62, which seems so young to us. I haven't found that thing I can lean on except to say he was a Christian and so am I, I know we will see him again one day, and that is enough.
The new normal for me is remembering that I only have so much energy, and I have to decide where it will be spent. The cost of cleaning house is too great some days. I have use it wisely. For instance, I made it very well during the sickness and funeral of my brother in law ( I believe that God was carrying me) but after I found that I was just totally exhausted all I had energy for was getting a shower then going to bed sleeping 12 or 13 hours, the rest of the day I just sat and watched TV or read. For days I was not worth much. My body has betrayed me, turned on me, I hurt, I'm so short of breath, I feel like I'm a hundred years old. The depression comes in waves, some days like the lapping of the waves of the tide returning, some days like the waves I see the surfers trying to ride. It is always there, and every day I pray it won't swallow me up and carry me off into the deep end of the ocean.
Another new normal for me is I can't be active like I was before I developed PH, every outing must be thought about, planned. How long will we be gone? Do I need to take medicine with me? Is there any place I can sit and rest? There aren't trips to the zoo or the botanical gardens because I can't walk around without getting out of breath anymore. I miss walking for exercise. I miss running 5Ks. I miss doing things. I miss going places. I miss working.
I believe for me to feel better mentally, physically, I need to lose weight. For me spiritually I need to get still and pray and meditate with God.
Today I start yet again to try to be as healthy as I can be. My intention is to track what I eat, to move more, to do what needs to be done to get back to a normal weight.
I've been here trying to deal with loss, illness, depression, life. I started this Blog as a way of coping with the new normal that illness brings. We lost my husbands dad, a man who we all loved dearly, he was in his 80s so we could lean on the fact he had lived a long life and wasn't in pain anymore. We lost our son, not in death but to worldly demons that haunt me still, but I can lean on the fact he can change and come back to us one day. We lost my husband brother, he died at 62, which seems so young to us. I haven't found that thing I can lean on except to say he was a Christian and so am I, I know we will see him again one day, and that is enough.
The new normal for me is remembering that I only have so much energy, and I have to decide where it will be spent. The cost of cleaning house is too great some days. I have use it wisely. For instance, I made it very well during the sickness and funeral of my brother in law ( I believe that God was carrying me) but after I found that I was just totally exhausted all I had energy for was getting a shower then going to bed sleeping 12 or 13 hours, the rest of the day I just sat and watched TV or read. For days I was not worth much. My body has betrayed me, turned on me, I hurt, I'm so short of breath, I feel like I'm a hundred years old. The depression comes in waves, some days like the lapping of the waves of the tide returning, some days like the waves I see the surfers trying to ride. It is always there, and every day I pray it won't swallow me up and carry me off into the deep end of the ocean.
Another new normal for me is I can't be active like I was before I developed PH, every outing must be thought about, planned. How long will we be gone? Do I need to take medicine with me? Is there any place I can sit and rest? There aren't trips to the zoo or the botanical gardens because I can't walk around without getting out of breath anymore. I miss walking for exercise. I miss running 5Ks. I miss doing things. I miss going places. I miss working.
I believe for me to feel better mentally, physically, I need to lose weight. For me spiritually I need to get still and pray and meditate with God.
Today I start yet again to try to be as healthy as I can be. My intention is to track what I eat, to move more, to do what needs to be done to get back to a normal weight.
Friday, September 27, 2013
The Pit &Thoughts on gratitude
When my dad died I thought I had a handle on it, I knew he was dying he had cancer & you could just tell. I thought I got through the end of his life & the funeral OK, but as I look back now I see that was a turning point for me. I started gaining my weight back, I was foggy, it was getting harder & harder to concentrate on my work. I worked for Weight Watchers as a Leader & I think I was good at it. I had a love for the members, they were my friends, an oh so much more to me than just members. It was a great job, feeling like you are doing something important, something that is helping people. I thought I knew what depression was, I had always battled it, the baby blues, PMS,I saw with members who battled weight, those who were obese, & those who hand lost & gained the same 25 pounds over & over. I thought I understood when they told me about why they were here again, trying to get the weight off one more time, problems with husbands, kids, jobs, no jobs, being tired, being unable to workout. Feeling like even their own bodies had turned against them. I just thought I understood depression I thought I understood being tired. I didn't have a clue.
I found myself unable to keep the weight off, every month was a struggle to get to goal, I was working out hard & I was following the program, 85% of the time, that's what all the experts say it is what you do most of the time that counts. I couldn't get my mind to cooperate I was foggy. My body was betraying me too, my blood pressure started getting higher & higher. I couldn't breath, I had asthma so I knew what that felt like but this was different. It was like you are dying, like a weight is sitting on top of you or a snake is constricting with every breath. I was so filled with anxiety, I felt like everyone could see every pound. I felt like I was under a microscope. I was trying so hard but it wasn't working. Then came the exhaustion, it was all I could do to just get through the days, the days I worked I had to be "on", happy, energetic, but when I got home all I wanted to do was sleep. Everything was an effort, just getting up, walking, talking. I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I gave up. I thought I will go the doctor & they will find out what is wrong and we will fix it, then I'll have my life back.
I went to 2 specialist, the first was a lung Dr, he said you have COPD, I was so relieved, it was something, I'm not crazy!
I have Fibromygia so I had dealt with doctors and people who would tell you there is nothing wrong with you, they make you feel crazy. Take all this expensive medicine, come back in a month and we will do a lot of test and then we will make a game plan. I thought this is good, at least I know what I'm dealing with. I did exactly what he said, I took the medicine I trusted that he knew best, he was a Doctor after all. When I went back, after the month was up, I did his test and we waited and waited for him to come in and talk to us. I was scared because I wasn't any better so believed that he would tell me lets change this medicine or that one but what happened next was even more scary, he came in and he was MAD, he was MAD that he was wrong and that I wasn't any better. Somehow it was my fault, he didn't spend anytime trying to help me understand what was going on, he just stormed out of the room. I guess I didn't help his research in COPD. It was after all his specialty, he had told us that we were so lucky to be his patient on our first visit and that he was the best COPD doctor in our state. I left his office not knowing what was wrong and feeling maybe I am crazy.
I went back to my doctor, he sent me to a heart doc to rule out Pulmonary Hypertension, I went through all the test, my heart is healthy. So why can't I breath? Why do feel like I'm dying? He says he thinks it is asthma, and high blood pressure, I have my doubts, but he has been to medical school and I haven't so what do ya do.
I gave up. I stopped fighting it, I found no joy in anything, I wasn't doing the things I had always enjoyed doing, I stopped painting, I stopped writing, I stopped helping people, I wallowed in it. I was in a world of just existing, waiting to die. I thought God would call me home, I longed for it. I was depressed. I was in the pit.
Every now and then I would go to the Dr. with a little hope, he would add another pill and send me home. I don't really know what I thought he could do, maybe a magic wand and an incantation "Go forth and be well".....it didn't happen. With every pill I felt a little worse, I'm all for taking medicine if it helps, but in my case it didn't so I said enough. I said I won't take anymore antidepressants. He agreed, thank God. The fog started to lift, I could see a light at the end of the tunnel after months and months of darkness. I want to grab onto the rope, you know the one the one they tell to tie a knot in when you come to the end of it. I have to find a new normal now. I am overweight again, I still have the same health problems I did before. I have to find a way to be happy whatever that is.
I've been reading a lot on what makes people happy, money, fame, stuff. It turns out that people who are the happiest practice gratitude, actively practice it, they go through the day looking for things to be grateful for. This is something I need to work on. I am a glass half empty kind of person, waiting for the other shoe to fall. If things are going well, I have that ANT (automatic negative thought)well things are good now, sure, but just wait. Don't get too excited, don't get too high, it is a long fall from way up there. Is this the way most people think? I don't know.
So today I'm looking for the things in my life to be grateful for. Am I happy? I don't know what that it. I do know I am here for a reason and God is here too and maybe just maybe someday I will figure it all out.
I think it is progress just to be looking for the answers and to try to be grateful for where we are in this life and in my case who God has given me to share my life with.
I found myself unable to keep the weight off, every month was a struggle to get to goal, I was working out hard & I was following the program, 85% of the time, that's what all the experts say it is what you do most of the time that counts. I couldn't get my mind to cooperate I was foggy. My body was betraying me too, my blood pressure started getting higher & higher. I couldn't breath, I had asthma so I knew what that felt like but this was different. It was like you are dying, like a weight is sitting on top of you or a snake is constricting with every breath. I was so filled with anxiety, I felt like everyone could see every pound. I felt like I was under a microscope. I was trying so hard but it wasn't working. Then came the exhaustion, it was all I could do to just get through the days, the days I worked I had to be "on", happy, energetic, but when I got home all I wanted to do was sleep. Everything was an effort, just getting up, walking, talking. I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I gave up. I thought I will go the doctor & they will find out what is wrong and we will fix it, then I'll have my life back.
I went to 2 specialist, the first was a lung Dr, he said you have COPD, I was so relieved, it was something, I'm not crazy!
I have Fibromygia so I had dealt with doctors and people who would tell you there is nothing wrong with you, they make you feel crazy. Take all this expensive medicine, come back in a month and we will do a lot of test and then we will make a game plan. I thought this is good, at least I know what I'm dealing with. I did exactly what he said, I took the medicine I trusted that he knew best, he was a Doctor after all. When I went back, after the month was up, I did his test and we waited and waited for him to come in and talk to us. I was scared because I wasn't any better so believed that he would tell me lets change this medicine or that one but what happened next was even more scary, he came in and he was MAD, he was MAD that he was wrong and that I wasn't any better. Somehow it was my fault, he didn't spend anytime trying to help me understand what was going on, he just stormed out of the room. I guess I didn't help his research in COPD. It was after all his specialty, he had told us that we were so lucky to be his patient on our first visit and that he was the best COPD doctor in our state. I left his office not knowing what was wrong and feeling maybe I am crazy.
I went back to my doctor, he sent me to a heart doc to rule out Pulmonary Hypertension, I went through all the test, my heart is healthy. So why can't I breath? Why do feel like I'm dying? He says he thinks it is asthma, and high blood pressure, I have my doubts, but he has been to medical school and I haven't so what do ya do.
I gave up. I stopped fighting it, I found no joy in anything, I wasn't doing the things I had always enjoyed doing, I stopped painting, I stopped writing, I stopped helping people, I wallowed in it. I was in a world of just existing, waiting to die. I thought God would call me home, I longed for it. I was depressed. I was in the pit.
Every now and then I would go to the Dr. with a little hope, he would add another pill and send me home. I don't really know what I thought he could do, maybe a magic wand and an incantation "Go forth and be well".....it didn't happen. With every pill I felt a little worse, I'm all for taking medicine if it helps, but in my case it didn't so I said enough. I said I won't take anymore antidepressants. He agreed, thank God. The fog started to lift, I could see a light at the end of the tunnel after months and months of darkness. I want to grab onto the rope, you know the one the one they tell to tie a knot in when you come to the end of it. I have to find a new normal now. I am overweight again, I still have the same health problems I did before. I have to find a way to be happy whatever that is.
I've been reading a lot on what makes people happy, money, fame, stuff. It turns out that people who are the happiest practice gratitude, actively practice it, they go through the day looking for things to be grateful for. This is something I need to work on. I am a glass half empty kind of person, waiting for the other shoe to fall. If things are going well, I have that ANT (automatic negative thought)well things are good now, sure, but just wait. Don't get too excited, don't get too high, it is a long fall from way up there. Is this the way most people think? I don't know.
So today I'm looking for the things in my life to be grateful for. Am I happy? I don't know what that it. I do know I am here for a reason and God is here too and maybe just maybe someday I will figure it all out.
I think it is progress just to be looking for the answers and to try to be grateful for where we are in this life and in my case who God has given me to share my life with.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Starting with the ending
I want to start with the here & now. It is my hope that those who read this will understand what it is like to deal with depression, so I'm starting with a somewhat happy ending because I don't want to depress you while trying to get you to understand. Even I don't understand depression but this blog is an attempt to gain some understanding for us all.
As I step out of the darkness,
And back into the light,
I want to run back to my comforting world,
yours is just too bright.
Why do I seek the darkness?
The quiet calming effect of being alone.
I'm not afraid here it's warm and inviting,
But your world is so cold and loud, where cruelty is shown.
I shiver as I take my first steps back into real life.
I'm scared in your world.
I feel small and weak, and oh so vulnerable to life's strife.
I don't understand, what make me so afraid.
In my world God is right there,
He is reaching out to me, beckoning
His love is a tangible thing, He's so willing to share.
It is a there I can touch it , and it's Oh so real.
But in the real world I pray and pray,
I feel homesick for Heaven more everyday.
But God seems further and further away.
I will seek Him, I will follow, I will obey.
I am coming back from the brink. Feeling love so overwhelming it makes you cry. Happiness in the sunrises and sunsets. The joys of playing with the grandkids not just watching but playing with them. Listening and understanding what a blessing it is to have them in my life even if I don't understand the characters in my grandsons Skylander game, I am old after all, but I do understand the joy it brings him to tell me about them.
One thing that depression does is to steal the joy of life's little moments, it tells you, you are not enough. It is a thief and a liar so don't fall into the traps of what ifs and how could they. Life is meant to be lived, enjoyed and every moment savored.
As I sit here and write this I think of the weekend spent playing with our granddaughter who is 5 9going on 25). We decorated for Halloween and talked and laughed and played. I was so tired from all the work & play, my body is old and broken but my spirit is as young and energetic as she is. I thank God for everyday I get to spend with them, and for every chance to say Love you. I am looking forward to life.
Another thing depression brings is weight loss or weight gain.....why is it that every time the side effects list weight loss or weight gain I get WEIGHT GAIN! Just once I would like to lose 10 pounds for no apparent reason. If you lose a lot of weight you will hear "Are you sick?" you never hear that when you gain weight.
I ask you to try not to judge, the things that I say and do, or the weight I've gained, remember depression can strike anyone anytime. (And any comments whispered about the weight gain will get you a few pounds too, after all if you are talking about it you must want some right? Karma, baby...) It (depression) is not always brought on by a bad life event. It is an illness, like cancer and should be treated as such.
Live, Laugh, Love with all your heart.
As I step out of the darkness,
And back into the light,
I want to run back to my comforting world,
yours is just too bright.
Why do I seek the darkness?
The quiet calming effect of being alone.
I'm not afraid here it's warm and inviting,
But your world is so cold and loud, where cruelty is shown.
I shiver as I take my first steps back into real life.
I'm scared in your world.
I feel small and weak, and oh so vulnerable to life's strife.
I don't understand, what make me so afraid.
In my world God is right there,
He is reaching out to me, beckoning
His love is a tangible thing, He's so willing to share.
It is a there I can touch it , and it's Oh so real.
But in the real world I pray and pray,
I feel homesick for Heaven more everyday.
But God seems further and further away.
I will seek Him, I will follow, I will obey.
I am coming back from the brink. Feeling love so overwhelming it makes you cry. Happiness in the sunrises and sunsets. The joys of playing with the grandkids not just watching but playing with them. Listening and understanding what a blessing it is to have them in my life even if I don't understand the characters in my grandsons Skylander game, I am old after all, but I do understand the joy it brings him to tell me about them.
One thing that depression does is to steal the joy of life's little moments, it tells you, you are not enough. It is a thief and a liar so don't fall into the traps of what ifs and how could they. Life is meant to be lived, enjoyed and every moment savored.
As I sit here and write this I think of the weekend spent playing with our granddaughter who is 5 9going on 25). We decorated for Halloween and talked and laughed and played. I was so tired from all the work & play, my body is old and broken but my spirit is as young and energetic as she is. I thank God for everyday I get to spend with them, and for every chance to say Love you. I am looking forward to life.
Another thing depression brings is weight loss or weight gain.....why is it that every time the side effects list weight loss or weight gain I get WEIGHT GAIN! Just once I would like to lose 10 pounds for no apparent reason. If you lose a lot of weight you will hear "Are you sick?" you never hear that when you gain weight.
I ask you to try not to judge, the things that I say and do, or the weight I've gained, remember depression can strike anyone anytime. (And any comments whispered about the weight gain will get you a few pounds too, after all if you are talking about it you must want some right? Karma, baby...) It (depression) is not always brought on by a bad life event. It is an illness, like cancer and should be treated as such.
Live, Laugh, Love with all your heart.
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