Starting with the ending

I want to start with the here & now. It is my hope that those who read this will understand what it is like to deal with depression, so I'm starting with a somewhat happy ending because I don't want to depress you while trying to get you to understand. Even I don't understand depression but this blog is an attempt to gain some understanding for us all.


As I step out of the darkness,
And back into the light,
I want to run back to my comforting world,
yours is just too bright.


Why do I seek the darkness?
The quiet calming effect of being alone.
I'm not afraid here it's warm and inviting,
But your world is so cold and loud, where cruelty is shown.


I shiver as I take my first steps back into real life.
I'm scared in your world.
I feel small and weak, and oh so vulnerable to life's strife.
I don't understand, what make me so afraid.


In my world God is right there,
He is reaching out to me, beckoning
His love is a tangible thing, He's so willing to share.
It is a there I can touch it , and it's Oh so real.


But in the real world I pray and pray,
I feel homesick for Heaven more everyday.
But God seems further and further away.
I will seek Him, I will follow, I will obey.



I am coming back from the brink. Feeling love so overwhelming it makes you cry. Happiness in the sunrises and sunsets. The joys of playing with the grandkids not just watching but playing with them. Listening and understanding what a blessing it is to have them in my life even if I don't understand the characters in my grandsons Skylander game, I am old after all, but I do understand the joy it brings him to tell me about them.

One thing that depression does is to steal the joy of life's little moments, it tells you, you are not enough. It is a thief and a liar so don't fall into the traps of what ifs and how could they. Life is meant to be lived, enjoyed and every moment savored.


As I sit here and write this I think of the weekend spent playing with our granddaughter who is 5 9going on 25). We decorated for Halloween and talked and laughed and played. I was so tired from all the work & play, my body is old and broken but my spirit is as young and energetic as she is. I thank God for everyday I get to spend with them, and for every chance to say Love you. I am looking forward to life.

Another thing depression brings is weight loss or weight gain.....why is it that every time the side effects list weight loss or weight gain I get WEIGHT GAIN! Just once I would like to lose 10 pounds for no apparent reason. If you lose a lot of weight you will hear "Are you sick?" you never hear that when you gain weight.

I ask you to try not to judge, the things that I say and do, or the weight I've gained, remember depression can strike anyone anytime. (And any comments whispered about the weight gain will get you a few pounds too, after all if you are talking about it you must want some right? Karma, baby...) It (depression) is not always brought on by a bad life event. It is an illness, like cancer and should be treated as such.


Live, Laugh, Love with all your heart.