Loss and a new normal

Where have the years gone?

I've been here trying to deal with loss, illness, depression, life. I started this Blog as a way of coping with the new normal that illness brings. We lost my husbands dad, a man who we all loved dearly, he was in his 80s so we could lean on the fact he had lived a long life and wasn't in pain anymore. We lost our son, not in death but to worldly demons that haunt me still, but I can lean on the fact he can change and come back to us one day. We lost my husband brother, he died at 62, which seems so young to us. I haven't found that thing I can lean on except to say he was a Christian and so am I, I know we will see him again one day, and that is enough.

The new normal for me is remembering that I only have so much energy, and I have to decide where it will be spent. The cost of cleaning house is too great some days. I have use it wisely. For instance, I made it very well during the sickness and funeral of my brother in law ( I believe that God was carrying me) but after I found that I was just totally exhausted all I had energy for was getting a shower then going to bed sleeping 12 or 13 hours, the rest of the day I just sat and watched TV or read. For days I was not worth much. My body has betrayed me, turned on me, I hurt, I'm so short of breath, I feel like I'm a hundred years old. The depression comes in waves, some days like the lapping of the waves of the tide returning, some days like the waves I see the surfers trying to ride. It is always there, and every day I pray it won't swallow me up and carry me off into the deep end of the ocean.

Another new normal for me is I can't be active like I was before I developed PH, every outing must be thought about, planned. How long will we be gone? Do I need to take medicine with me? Is there any place I can sit and rest? There aren't trips to the zoo or the botanical gardens because I can't walk around without getting out of breath anymore. I miss walking for exercise. I miss running 5Ks. I miss doing things. I miss going places. I miss working.

I believe for me to feel better mentally, physically, I need to lose weight. For me spiritually I need to get still and pray and meditate with God.

Today I start yet again to try to be as healthy as I can be. My intention is to track what I eat, to move more, to do what needs to be done to get back to a normal weight.